guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
