I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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