apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
