the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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