i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
