im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize