the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
