Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
