ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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