Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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