He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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