Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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