Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
