Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
