i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
