There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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