Will you blow on my dice?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
