We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
