I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
