3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
