someone threw a dead crab at me
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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