next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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