he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
