Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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