girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My ATM looks so different sober.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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