You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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