There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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