If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
