All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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