Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
