I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
