I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Text me some of your sweat
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