thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
