Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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