Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
