I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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