Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
