I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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