So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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