I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
