I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Say something about gay babies.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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