Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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