a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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