GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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