i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
