I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
