I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
