He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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