My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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