Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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