im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
