Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
