I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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