my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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