My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
