My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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