you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The best revenge is premature balding
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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