i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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