I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
