there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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